The Advocate Day Four Hospital

 Day Four Hospital  

I decided this morning I would do a load of laundry and take my time to get there. Had no rush, Ricardo was there if they needed anything asap and I would not have to feel rushed. I headed in around 11am or so. I got there and we had the same wonderful RT and the same Ol’ nurse. However, I will say the nurse was more attentive today. They had flipped Moma onto her stomach. This was odd to me because this isn't a practice I had done before but after thinking about mechanics and shifting the load of the heart off the lungs and other variables it seemed like a promising idea. Well, she was tolerating it well and she had good vitals. They were also able to cut her oxygen flow in basically half which felt like a victory. I felt so good about this she had made so much progress in less than 24 hours. So here I am responding to the millions of messages I have. It was overwhelming trying to respond to everyone, but each one had such kind words and inspiring messages, so it made it enjoyable to go through the process. It felt promising this day that she had made so much improvement. The RT came in and told me when they flip back to their back, they do slide back a little bit, but it is completely normal. I understood that and I was ok with it. I just was thinking in my mind we about to get off this vent by the weekend whoop, whoop. This was a fairly long day. They were planning on flipping her at 8pm and I had every intention of being there and was going to come back in right after they did it. It kept getting closer and closer to time. I just was getting more anxious and more anxious about them flipping her. I called my sister and said I just don’t think I can do it. I have no idea why I couldn’t do it. Out of all the stuff I have done and seen and out of the stuff I have done for my mom. I just could not stand the thought of them flipping her over and watching her decompensate like they said she was going to. I was terrified. I could tell my sister wanted me to stay, but I just could not do it. I still feel guilty about it today. On the way down I had met Taylor who brought me a ton of food and had picked up some treats from my good friends Dustin and Marcus. She walked and talked with me as I headed to my car. It was hard to talk because I would get a little emotional. I told her about our day and told her I just don't understand how families that don't know what's going on handle this. I headed home and second guessed my decision the entire way home.