Day Six Hospital/Work
Today was the day I broke. Today was the day I felt hopeless. Today is the day I was so unsure. Today was the day I just was not able to be positive. I woke up around 7am and automatically asked my sister for an update. My sister got on the phone because it was just now shift change and she had
not talked with the day shift nurse. My sister text me back and said she was pissed, lord why don’t say that.. Why? The nurse put her on hold and then asked for a pass code. Well we didn’t have pass code established because none of us had been asked for one prior or to set one up upon arrival. I had remembered the second day giving the day shift nurse my number, Ivys number an Ricardos number an asking her to put it in the chart. The nurse said oh I already have his number he is a good doctor. But none of us had been asked for the pass code. So I'm already painting a picture its either a new grad or she's dead or this nurse is going to be Hitler. So I told my sister I was on my way. A short time later she got the details her vitals were stable with the exception of another fever. We now have a pass code established. She also said she talked to the charge nurse and Moma’s nurse today was “by the books” well great by the books is good. When I got to the hospital, I saw a nurse by the books but forgot the key portion about compassion. This man was an anal-retentive asshole. I was scolded about the way I entered the ICU. I needed to use the other entrance and ask for permission before I entered the floor. Now I will give him that patient privacy is key, but I was able to use that door the past few days and thought it was the norm. Like I said before I didn’t abuse that privilege. I didn’t even say anything. He then said I need you to come out here with me and motioned with two fingers. That absolutely tears me up when people do that, I'm not a child or an animal I do not like when someone makes hand motions like your moving cattle. He said you need to put on a gown and gloves. Once again ok I get it, but also haven't had to since I have been in the hospital. I complied and didn’t say anything at all. I went back into the room. I could hear him say something in the background and felt it was directed towards me, but I just went right back to Moma like a magnet. I was standing beside her bed in my full garb I was forced to wear by Hitler holding her hand looking at her and at her monitor. Not too much time passed at all and he walked in saying they were going to turn her. It was an odd time for that I felt like he did it on purpose to make me leave. I rubbed Moma’s hand and went to the other side of the room to get my bag before he could touch it. Ripped off the gown, like taught in school, and put it neatly in the trash basket and tried to walk out of the room without busting into tears. At that moment I knew I wasn’t going to be comfortable at the hospital that day. I knew I couldn't do anything for her to make any lifesaving changes. I decided to go to my clinic and work for a little while. While on the way to the clinic it seemed like everyone would text me and ask how I'm doing and each one I read I wanted to be like I'm not ok, but that’s not me I'm not going to let anyone know but those close to me that I'm breaking. I'm having an extremely hard time. I texted Josh, a good friend that recently lost his mother and asked him how he handled all this, he said it is so hard and nothing else is like it. I made it through a meeting then had a crying session. I completed various other tasks and had another crying session. My good friend Taylor came by the clinic and dropped of some sweet treats. Shes ole faithful when it comes to checking in on someone. Tina came by the clinic and saw me with sweet Maelee. I am thankful they came by but it just sucks recapping how shitty everything is over and over. I'm towards the end of the day and decide to call my sister. She talks about how she's sad too. I know she feels like she's got to hold it together for me, I wish she didn’t have to but she does otherwise I wouldn’t be able to stand. I talked to my sister some more and I was like listen I need to know is she going to walk away from this and she said I'm not sure Neal...... That hurts a little bit, but I needed to hear it. I'm still optimistic, I haven't given up, but boy does this hurt. My sister gave me a run down about the places they had tried to get her into and the roadblocks we have still. I plan to grab up the sweets Taylor brought and take them to Ricardo in hopes I can slide right in to see Moma without the Nazi Nurse being there.
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